Almost Time

In 2 days I will be celebrating my 21st birthday.

To drink or not to drink is the question...

I have been struggling with my weight for quite some time now.
I took my body fat percentage last week and I am standing at a "healthy" 15%.
I am not happy. During this conversation I found out that most of my body fat is in my upper body and I don't know what to do.

Is it my food? Is it just my genetic makeup?
This is something thats been bugging me bcuz I would like to compete after school is over.

Heptathletes typically reach their awesome strides later on in their careers unless you're Jackie Joyner-Kersee.
I have many more years I'll be able to give. I have had no injuries, and I have numerous potential but its the weight.

I'm at a lost for this.
I am seriously trying to figure things out.
Maybe I'll get a trainer.

IDK.
I need help

iWant

I want to write a stay strong anti-love break up song.
I want to make magic happen for all those who are alone.
I want women to remember to love themselves stablely and whole hartedly before they can love someone else.


I want to sereande the broken hearts the way Mary J did when I was growing up.
I want to declare no more drama in my life.

I want to live, laugh and love until the day the lord calls me home!


Indie.Arie speaks to me.
Brandy sings my soul.
MJB talks about the heartache.
Alicia Keys warms me up.

I want to write a stay strong anti-love break up song.
I want to make magic happen for all those who are alone.

Single Lifestyle

Soooooooooooo much for my last blog bcuz that nigga lost his damn mind. For reasons I choose not to disclose my ex and I will not be working on anything ever again, not even breathing the same air.

After having close that chapter, I have had time to actually think about the things I have seen and experiences I gone through. I realized one thing..

dare I say it...

I'll be single for a long time if not the rest of my life...

maybe I only say that now bcuz I'm young but I honestly feel that its the way its going to be.

I've seen dudes and chicks do the same shiesty crap then talk about forgiveness.
I know men who have cheated on their wives/girlfriends and women who've cheated on their husbands/boyfriends... then say they love the significant other. SMH

Why must you continue to live a lie? Ppl are having children early and having not been married. By the time I am ready to settle down there will not be any baggage-less men to choose from... lol.

I doubt I can be in a serious relationship right now unless we are talking about or considering getting married bcuz I am not wasting my youth in a relationship with no longer term promise.

My lil cuz Grave said it best... "I feel like I'm missing out on my youth, not even 21 and mad serious with someone." SMH but Jah know its the truth...

But I also know that a part of me craves that feeling of wanting to be wanted (if that makes sense). I find myself having it fulfilled by guys who I have no real emotional investment in for fear of getting hurt.

I am not gonna try to pull the INDEPENDENT woman card bcuz thats a BS defense mechanism for women in denial. I don't need a man but I know I would like one, eventually.

Don't get me wrong single life is fun. I can come and go as I want and do as I please whenever I want, with whom ever I want. But I don't trust no dude, period.

Married men want me to be the other woman. Single men want me to be their sexy toy. sounds like fun... uh no!!!

I just want a friend or some friends who I can kick it with and turn to when I need comfort. I can take some blame bcuz I am somewhat of a flirt and my natural sex appeal gives the wrong idea but I'll make it clear what I want from jump street. Am I wrong for just wanting that?

Why must this be so complicated? Why is it the ones I like don't appreciate me for all that I do?

I've grown into such a beautiful woman with scars that have killed my soul as someone with the capacity to love. Its hard for me to actually believe there is someone out there who will love me for the person I am and be able to give me what I need.

i guess I'm just a lost soul searching....

On that note...

"YOU TOYED WITH MY AFFLICTION HAD TO FILL OUT MY PRESCRIPTION FOUND THE REMEDY
I HAD TO SET YOU FREE
AWAY FROM ME
TO SEE CLEARLY THE WAY THAT LOVE CAN BE WHEN YOU ARE NOT WITH ME
I HAD TO LEAVE,
I HAD TO LIVE,
I HAD TO LEAD,
I HAD TO LIVE" Maxwell

Little Bit In Love/Sooner Than Later

Bored at work once again...

figured I'd write.

For those of you who don't know I just got out of a messy break up with

the supposed love of my life.

I still very much love him and would like to be with him later on in life.

I still have days to live, places to see and ppl to meet.

But since that break up I have found a friend,

who was my friend from before, (it that makes any sense)

As a loyal Drake listener... 1 song speaks to this transition...

Little Bit.. youtube it!

KP... has been somewhat theraputic and a breath of fresh air for me at this time in life.

I don't see him as anything more than a friend and that is something I have not had in quite sometime.

I'm to a point right now where I feel like my life is at somewhat of a stand still not knowing what the future holds. In comparsion to my friends, who are working, have families and are financially stable..I feel like I missed that boat.

The interesting thing is, he will listen to me babble for hours and hours about absolutely nothing and that is refreshing....

We share a birthday and a passion for track and field.

He lives 300 miles away so I won't ever have to worry about him physically overstepping his boundaries within our friendship.

He's becoming my best friend and I am ok with that.

"I know you don't break their hearts...But it's you I wanna take apart" Drake

______________________________________________________

On a more interesting note

I have decided to put working things out with my x on hold...

As much as I love him and all the fun times we shared I just can't do it right now...

The song that speaks volumes at this time is

Sooner than Later...

every word - explains the feelings between both of us.

As much as I love him.. I know time heals wounds so that what I am allowing for...

Moving on is easier said than done!!!

"So can you do me a favor if I pull it together make it sooner than later

We won't be here forever and I realized I waited to long but please don't move on" Drake

When?!?!?!

When

enough is enough where do you go....

I once did a monologue from

"for colored girls who considered suicide when the rainbows enough"

(side note: quotations "-" recognize quotes from the monologue)

"lady in yellow: my love is too delicate to have thrown back on my face.
lady in brown: my love is too beautiful to have thrown back on my face.
lady in purple: my love is too sanctified to have thrown back on my face.
lady in blue: my love is too magic to have thrown back on my face.
lady in orange: my love is too saturday nite to have thrown back on my face.
lady in red: my love is too complicated to have thrown back on my face.
lady in green: my love is too music to have thrown back on my face."

I was the lady in YELLOW but I draw parallels with all these women

Ive wondered if I deserve die.......

would I be happier in heaven {{of course}}

or bcuz i was born in a life of sin would I go to hell.....

but my mom would miss me too much

I can't seem to figure out if everything that has been served to me is

because

its to happen

or

if I bought it upon myself :-(

It took me years to be comfortable in myself

build myself up and enjoy my life on my own terms

"i found god in myself& i loved her / i loved her fiercely"

After everything EVERY MAN has put me though..

from my father to my last boyfriend

I realized never settle for less than the best someone can give

UNCONDITIONALLY

"one thing I don’t need

is any more apologies

i got sorry greetin me at my front door

you can keep yrs

i don’t know what to do wit em

they don’t open doors

or bring the sun back

they don’t make me happy

or get a mornin paper

didn’t nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars

cuz a sorry."

I'm happy at this time in my life bcuz I did what

I NEEDED to do FOR ME and no one else!!!!

Enough is enough and

THIS COLORED GIRL WILL NOT CONSIDER SUICIDE WHEN THE RAINBOW IS ENOUGH

We all got dreams and we all star reaching, all star peaking, all-star weekend(Drake)

True Blessings

It never ceases to amaze me that when I am down on my luck the lord makes a way to make it all work!!!

Just last night a friend of mine rreminded me {it appeared that I forgot for a moment} to have faith in HIM and he'll see me thorugh.

And that he did!!!

I thank god for supplying me with what I need!!!

:-)

Espero Que

Every night before iRest my head,
iThank god for all iHave been given.
But there are times iWonder and wish about things...


Sometimes I wished I wasn't here
Sometimes iWonder if I made the right desicions,
how would my life be different.


iPray often bcuz iNeed guidance
iPray bcuz ihave questions and iWant answers...
they never come when iWant them but they come.


iWish I had help
iWish I had guidance
iWish someone would stand over me and tell me
"This is what you need to do to get to where you desire to be"

iWant to see the future...
so iDont regret any desicions made.
i've lost a lot of love and life bcuz of ....


iFear failing.
iFear being alone
iFear death
iFear unhappines
like everybody else iFear the unknown :-(

iFeel like I'm in crazy compeition with the past (Drake)

iThink