Sunday, July 26, 2009

Almost Time

In 2 days I will be celebrating my 21st birthday.

To drink or not to drink is the question...

I have been struggling with my weight for quite some time now.
I took my body fat percentage last week and I am standing at a "healthy" 15%.
I am not happy. During this conversation I found out that most of my body fat is in my upper body and I don't know what to do.

Is it my food? Is it just my genetic makeup?
This is something thats been bugging me bcuz I would like to compete after school is over.

Heptathletes typically reach their awesome strides later on in their careers unless you're Jackie Joyner-Kersee.
I have many more years I'll be able to give. I have had no injuries, and I have numerous potential but its the weight.

I'm at a lost for this.
I am seriously trying to figure things out.
Maybe I'll get a trainer.

I need help

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


I want to write a stay strong anti-love break up song.
I want to make magic happen for all those who are alone.
I want women to remember to love themselves stablely and whole hartedly before they can love someone else.

I want to sereande the broken hearts the way Mary J did when I was growing up.
I want to declare no more drama in my life.

I want to live, laugh and love until the day the lord calls me home!

Indie.Arie speaks to me.
Brandy sings my soul.
MJB talks about the heartache.
Alicia Keys warms me up.

I want to write a stay strong anti-love break up song.
I want to make magic happen for all those who are alone.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Single Lifestyle

Soooooooooooo much for my last blog bcuz that nigga lost his damn mind. For reasons I choose not to disclose my ex and I will not be working on anything ever again, not even breathing the same air.

After having close that chapter, I have had time to actually think about the things I have seen and experiences I gone through. I realized one thing..

dare I say it...

I'll be single for a long time if not the rest of my life...

maybe I only say that now bcuz I'm young but I honestly feel that its the way its going to be.

I've seen dudes and chicks do the same shiesty crap then talk about forgiveness.
I know men who have cheated on their wives/girlfriends and women who've cheated on their husbands/boyfriends... then say they love the significant other. SMH

Why must you continue to live a lie? Ppl are having children early and having not been married. By the time I am ready to settle down there will not be any baggage-less men to choose from... lol.

I doubt I can be in a serious relationship right now unless we are talking about or considering getting married bcuz I am not wasting my youth in a relationship with no longer term promise.

My lil cuz Grave said it best... "I feel like I'm missing out on my youth, not even 21 and mad serious with someone." SMH but Jah know its the truth...

But I also know that a part of me craves that feeling of wanting to be wanted (if that makes sense). I find myself having it fulfilled by guys who I have no real emotional investment in for fear of getting hurt.

I am not gonna try to pull the INDEPENDENT woman card bcuz thats a BS defense mechanism for women in denial. I don't need a man but I know I would like one, eventually.

Don't get me wrong single life is fun. I can come and go as I want and do as I please whenever I want, with whom ever I want. But I don't trust no dude, period.

Married men want me to be the other woman. Single men want me to be their sexy toy. sounds like fun... uh no!!!

I just want a friend or some friends who I can kick it with and turn to when I need comfort. I can take some blame bcuz I am somewhat of a flirt and my natural sex appeal gives the wrong idea but I'll make it clear what I want from jump street. Am I wrong for just wanting that?

Why must this be so complicated? Why is it the ones I like don't appreciate me for all that I do?

I've grown into such a beautiful woman with scars that have killed my soul as someone with the capacity to love. Its hard for me to actually believe there is someone out there who will love me for the person I am and be able to give me what I need.

i guess I'm just a lost soul searching....

On that note...


I HAD TO LIVE" Maxwell

Monday, June 15, 2009

Little Bit In Love/Sooner Than Later

Bored at work once again...
figured I'd write.

For those of you who don't know I just got out of a messy break up with
the supposed love of my life.
I still very much love him and would like to be with him later on in life.
I still have days to live, places to see and ppl to meet.

But since that break up I have found a friend,
who was my friend from before, (it that makes any sense)
As a loyal Drake listener... 1 song speaks to this transition...

Little Bit.. youtube it!

KP... has been somewhat theraputic and a breath of fresh air for me at this time in life.
I don't see him as anything more than a friend and that is something I have not had in quite sometime.

I'm to a point right now where I feel like my life is at somewhat of a stand still not knowing what the future holds. In comparsion to my friends, who are working, have families and are financially stable..I feel like I missed that boat.

The interesting thing is, he will listen to me babble for hours and hours about absolutely nothing and that is refreshing....

We share a birthday and a passion for track and field.

He lives 300 miles away so I won't ever have to worry about him physically overstepping his boundaries within our friendship.

He's becoming my best friend and I am ok with that.

"I know you don't break their hearts...But it's you I wanna take apart" Drake


On a more interesting note

I have decided to put working things out with my x on hold...
As much as I love him and all the fun times we shared I just can't do it right now...

The song that speaks volumes at this time is

Sooner than Later...

every word - explains the feelings between both of us.

As much as I love him.. I know time heals wounds so that what I am allowing for...
Moving on is easier said than done!!!

"So can you do me a favor if I pull it together make it sooner than later
We won't be here forever and I realized I waited to long but please don't move on" Drake

Saturday, June 6, 2009


enough is enough where do you go....

I once did a monologue from
"for colored girls who considered suicide when the rainbows enough"
(side note: quotations "-" recognize quotes from the monologue)

"lady in yellow: my love is too delicate to have thrown back on my face.
lady in brown: my love is too beautiful to have thrown back on my face.
lady in purple: my love is too sanctified to have thrown back on my face.
lady in blue: my love is too magic to have thrown back on my face.
lady in orange: my love is too saturday nite to have thrown back on my face.
lady in red: my love is too complicated to have thrown back on my face.
lady in green: my love is too music to have thrown back on my face."

I was the lady in YELLOW but I draw parallels with all these women
Ive wondered if I deserve die.......
would I be happier in heaven {{of course}}
or bcuz i was born in a life of sin would I go to hell.....
but my mom would miss me too much

I can't seem to figure out if everything that has been served to me is
its to happen
if I bought it upon myself :-(

It took me years to be comfortable in myself
build myself up and enjoy my life on my own terms

"i found god in myself& i loved her / i loved her fiercely"
After everything EVERY MAN has put me though..
from my father to my last boyfriend
I realized never settle for less than the best someone can give
"one thing I don’t need
is any more apologies
i got sorry greetin me at my front door
you can keep yrs
i don’t know what to do wit em
they don’t open doors
or bring the sun back
they don’t make me happy
or get a mornin paper
didn’t nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars
cuz a sorry."

I'm happy at this time in my life bcuz I did what
I NEEDED to do FOR ME and no one else!!!!
Enough is enough and

We all got dreams and we all star reaching, all star peaking, all-star weekend(Drake)

Thursday, June 4, 2009

True Blessings

It never ceases to amaze me that when I am down on my luck the lord makes a way to make it all work!!!

Just last night a friend of mine rreminded me {it appeared that I forgot for a moment} to have faith in HIM and he'll see me thorugh.

And that he did!!!

I thank god for supplying me with what I need!!!


Espero Que

Every night before iRest my head,
iThank god for all iHave been given.
But there are times iWonder and wish about things...

Sometimes I wished I wasn't here
Sometimes iWonder if I made the right desicions,
how would my life be different.

iPray often bcuz iNeed guidance
iPray bcuz ihave questions and iWant answers...
they never come when iWant them but they come.

iWish I had help
iWish I had guidance
iWish someone would stand over me and tell me
"This is what you need to do to get to where you desire to be"

iWant to see the future...
so iDont regret any desicions made.
i've lost a lot of love and life bcuz of ....

iFear failing.
iFear being alone
iFear death
iFear unhappines
like everybody else iFear the unknown :-(

iFeel like I'm in crazy compeition with the past (Drake)


Friday, April 24, 2009

To Pledge or Not to Pledge: That is the Question?

What makes you REAL or PAPER?!?!?!?!

Several of my friends are in greek organizations. I have friends who are Alphas, K's, Kappas, Omegas, Deltas & Sigmas.
The majority of them pledged and a few of them I still have questions about.

Let me state two things before I continue.

Just bcuz you took wood doesnt make you real and being a renegade is not cool or fun!

No I am not associated with any organiztion but I have seen my share of activities that take place in the greek realm.

Pledging, let me rephrase that, underground pledging, is not about taking wood, it is not about enduring physical pain: it is about LEARNING.
If this is an organization you want to be a part of KNOWING the foundation is significant. I can tell you how many people I see daily who call themselves members of orgz and can't recite their founders, can't define the symbols, they just don't know anything.
For those who have pledged you know that is the easy part... once you finish its about work!!!
You see the thing with simultaneous underground pledging and participating in the formal intake process there is always a small chance that you will not finish the formal intake process. Anything can happen, for the most part people finish both and move on, for some it is a case of finishing underground and not formal or vice versa. Some people also believe that not participating in the formal intake process is all right. NO IT IS NOT. Most people define that as a RENEGADE. Nothing is cool about going through all of that, learning all your inforamtion and not being able to wear letters and participate in service. If that is what you want, in my opinion you should have joined an auxiliary. Not that they aren't about service, some of them are but I have yet to see any.

Another reason for pledging is to give you an opportunity to bond with your LS's/LB's and prophytes. You get to learn about them as people. You get to grow with them in a journey with the final destination being whatever LAND you so chose. You spend a lot of time with you so they can teach you things you wouldn't otherwise know.

Being a tee-shirt wearer isn't cool either. Being financial is SUPER important but paying your dues and not participating in service serves what point? Why did you endure all of this, learn all this information!!!!! You pledge your life and then what?!?!?!!?!

Everybody wants to stroll, wear jackets and make calls... but you don't know nothing... SMH! Some of these people take soooooooooo much pride in not knowing anything!!! SMH there is something seriously wrong with that. If you can look someone in the face and flat out say you don't know your foundation...ridiculous. You travel around and misrepresent your organization, chapter, your line and yourself... call yourself a member and you can't run off your information, ridiculous. And some of these members of these orgs who question you will rip the clothes right of your back, if they feel disrespected. I've seen it happen.

As far as taking wood...
A few licks I can understand but the excessive beating, punching, slapping and all that physical stuff is ridiculous.
No One who you trust and respect should be putting their hands on you in an abusive manner. Taking Wood is one thing but you aren't finna whoop my ass for no good reason. And if you allow yourself to be subjected to that then you are a fool. The ones who subject themselves to it and become "RENEGADES' are even dumber.

All I have to say is when it comes to pledging or not pledging its your own decision. You have to earn respect to get it. Just remember this, you do not want to build a legacy on a broken foundation. People talk and you don't want your chapter to have a bad reputation about what they DO NOT do.

This entire thing makes me feel a certain type of way so feel free to comment. I welcome constructive criticisim.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Hitting is Never Acceptable

Quote 1: "Beside every great man is a good woman"
Quote 2:"You can be the woman who changes his ways"
Quote 3: "He only acts like this because he loves me"

In one of my classes we discussed this theory called Ogden's Triangle of Meaning which esentially means, different things mean different things to different people.

The three quotes I have listed about can be open to interpertation.

Some people believe that quote 1 is suppose to be behind every great man is a good woman. I beg to differ. If we plan to be partners in relationships and in life, we are equal. Regardless of who makes the most money, who has the higher education, the age, etc. If I EVER meet a man who believes I should be behind him... that would be the end of our relationship.

Quote 2: You can be the woman who changes his ways is another crock of crap. If he cheated once, he is likely to cheat again and you just won't find out about it this time. If he is bringing home 'gifts' that you know you didn't give him then that is all the proof you need to know that he is fucking around. I can't seem to understand why women believe that he is all of a sudden different because he is with you. I will say that there are a handful of guys that do change but most of them don't. If he had a girlfriend when you met him and ya'll were messing around what the hell makes you believe that you will be any different. Once you give him the control then he knows he can literally push you around and it'll be ok.

Quote 3: The only case that someone would be beating on you out of love is for discipline and that is typically with a parent and child relationship. My mother stop beating me when I was like 16. I'll be damned if the man I'm suppose to love is hitting me. I had one boyfriend shove me during an altercation I grabbed my blade and told him if you EVER put his hands on me like that again so HELP ME GOD I was gonna cut his ass... We never had a problem after that.

Most of you who read this knows or has known someone who is/was in an abusive relationship. That is not cool. Females you need to recognize and know until you 110% love and believe in yourself you are liable to give all the power to another person to rule over you.

If you are a friend to someone who is that situation or you are not sure, Here are some signs to look for:

1. She doesnt want to hang out at all anymore. She spends all of her time alone or with him.
2. Pay close attention to her choice of words: like he threathened me, I don't want to make matters worse, what should I tell him...
3. All of his friends have become her friends and she is careful about what she says about or around them
4. Her relationship with her parents change
5. The lovers quarrels turn into shouting matches and he is telling her things like: this is what you need to do, you aint shit without me, etc
6. Her aura changes: she appears depressed, head always down...

I know someone in that situation and I cannot seem to understand why she is doing this to herself. But I have come to a realization that she is a weak individual. I'd rather be alone and happy then be in a situation that is completely unhealthy. I don't understand how many times a man has to hit you before you realize its time to get out.


I've seen it in my home so I know when things aren't right. But I will end on this note. Love should never physically hurt the body. If you believe it is all right to be treated that way then you deserve every bump, bruise and cut that he gives you. Life is too short to be in a situation that you have to convince yourself that everything is ok.

Feel Free to Comment.